


Hold Steady

by mageconsul



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Runaways (Comics), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, and grapples with the weight of grief, the working title for this was nico minoru's math lady impersonation, wherein Nico Minoru realizes she's bisexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageconsul/pseuds/mageconsul
Summary: Their problems don't just disappear. But, gradually, Karolina makes things easier to bear.





	Hold Steady

**Author's Note:**

> So. Here we are. This is the first thing I've posted in years. It's self-edited, so all errors and syntactical idiosyncrasies are my own. I tried my best, but some probably slipped through. 
> 
> I wrote this because, as much as I appreciated the finale and the validation of a decade-old ship, Nico should have been allowed more time to parse through her feelings about Alex, and about Karolina.

Nico wants to see Karolina’s powers again. 

It creeps up on her as they prepare for the gala, a stray thought which snags, insistent and tangled, when it should be fleeting. It’s a strange feeling. Two years ago, she might have just asked, unabashed in her curiosity and comfortable in their shared closeness. There’s something different about it now; not only about their relationship - that part feels like a given, after everything that’s happened - but about...asking. Maybe anything. Perhaps especially with regards to their birthrights.

And the lights...they’d been beautiful. Karolina had looked so exhilarated, her smile warm and delighted, like she’d finally caught a glimpse of happiness- real, indisputable happiness, the sort that filled her, head to toe, with buoyancy. Maybe that’s why Nico can’t shake the thought, the curious pull. What does it feel like? How does it work? Will it hurt her if she touches it? 

She isn’t really sure how it happens. Lost in the fun of their renewed companionship, she’s stopped second-guessing every single one of her thoughts. Somewhere between touching up her own makeup and helping Karolina select accessories that match her dress, her hands begin to gravitate toward the cool surface of the bracelet. It’s impulsive; something like eagerness has settled low in her stomach. If she unclips it, Karolina will glow. Can it really be so simple?

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Karolina says; the surprise in her voice is palpable. She doesn’t back away, not really, but the words convey the same tense urgency as a stop sign. “Not- not that one.”

“Oh, sorry,” Nico replies, nearly jerking her hands away. “Yeah.”

She shakes her head. Awareness has spread through her like a lightning bolt, augmented by the heavy weight of embarrassment. Suddenly, she can barely look at Karolina.

“It’s okay.” 

“Yeah, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Karolina repeats, voice soft.

Nico peeks at her and finds her smiling, small and uncertain. She’s not really sure what to make of the expression. At the very least Karolina doesn’t seem upset, and she hasn’t thrown Nico out yet so that has to count for something.

“Okay,” Nico agrees quietly. 

She steps aside, allowing Karolina greater access to the mirror. Save for a few minor adjustments, they’re almost ready for the party. She feels a little awkward, occupying herself with minutia while she watches Karolina put on her earrings. Is her eyeliner smudged? Her eyeshadow coated on too thick? More pressingly, has she made Karolina uncomfortable? The thought echoes in her head.

“Hope that wasn’t weird,” she finally ventures, when she can’t stand the silence anymore. She smiles sheepishly at Karolina’s reflection. “Like I was trying to make you glow or something.”

Karolina pauses. When their gazes meet, reflected by the mirror, her expression is open and curious. “Were you?”

“...maybe,” Nico admits.

She almost feels guilty. Her first impulse is to apologize again, but Karolina still doesn’t seem disturbed or upset, only amused. The sight is comforting, yet a part of Nico remains concerned. Something about the night they’d come together to rescue Alex gnaws at her, a vague suspicion that lingers in the back of her mind. Even as kids, Karolina had been sensitive, too concerned about appearances and prone to self-deprecation. But her powers? They’re cool. Beautiful.

It’s why Nico had wanted to see them again in the first place.

“You know,” she begins, with no small amount of conviction. “What I saw you do the other night? It should never make you feel afraid. Or ashamed.”

Retreating from the vanity, they settle at the edge of Karolina’s bed, close enough that Nico can knock their knees together if she wants to. It’s nice, like revisiting the trust and intimacy they’d shared when they were younger, when they were all there, all seven of them - whole and safe and satisfied in a way none of them have felt since. It reminds her, a little, of sleepovers; of Amy’s dumb, nerdy, but ultimately fun internet quizzes, of Molly’s gleeful bed-bouncing and impromptu dance-offs, of Gert’s impassioned speeches, always tempered by insight and the cutting weight of observation, and of Karolina’s willingness to listen, her natural inclination to soothe and comfort. How many times had they stayed in this same room before Amy died? For the first time in a long while, even though she grieves, she feels a little hopeful, too. 

“It’s just…” Karolina sighs, wringing her hands in her lap. Nico watches her, patient and curious, bound in place by the ache of old affection. “Everything my whole life has been for my mom and the church. Then I learned that what I thought was the ultimate good is somehow a part of the worst thing imaginable. And what if what I do is connected to that? What does that make me?”

She sounds genuinely worried, but the very thought is so ridiculous that Nico almost smiles. As though Karolina could ever be anything other than who she is: kind, thoughtful, smart, among other things too numerous to list. Nico knows that it’s impossible to ever know someone completely, that some thoughts are never voiced aloud - but she’s sure she knows what Karolina isn’t, what she could never be.

“You know who you are,” she says. Unconvinced, Karolina reaches for one of her heels and holds it aloft, looking unquestionably morose. Nico leans forward, forcing eye contact. “I know who you are. And neither of us is our parents, or the messed up shit they’re doing. Though...nothing is more messed up than what my mom is doing now, actually being nice for the first time in years.”

Karolina shifts, utters a sound of amusement that almost sounds like disbelief.

“It’s funny,” she says. “You were always the rebel and now you’re feeling close to your mom. And I was always the mama’s girl, and now…”

Nico scoffs, grinning as she draws closer to jostle Karolina.

“Oh, now what? You’re the rebel?”

Karolina laughs breathlessly, the sound embarrassed and delighted. Nico can hardly stop smiling. She turns away, intent on pulling on her shoes, charmed by how easy it’s become to fall back into these roles. 

“No, I’m serious!” Karolina insists. “Gert was right; I was the perfect church girl. I never did anything disobedient or different or what I wanted. But now that I know I’m, like, a total freak, maybe I’m free…to be who I really am.” Her eyes are painfully earnest as they meet Nico’s. Her voice, when she speaks, holds the slightest quaver. “And to be...honest about who I want to be with.”

Nico nods, slowly enough that the motion eventually trails to nothing. She feels uncertain under the weight of Karolina’s gaze, the air around them thick with an implication she can barely begin to grasp. The answer feels close, just out of reach, as though it lingers on the tip of Karolina’s tongue. Nico opens her mouth. She’s going to ask something, anything, to draw it out. She knows Karolina will answer.

Then the door swings open.

“Hi,” Gert announces, voice booming in the relative quiet of the bedroom. 

Blinking, Nico faces her. She’s surprised, confused, curious. Beside her, Karolina straightens with a funny little jolt. 

“Hi!” she exclaims, her voice strangely tense. “I didn’t know you guys were coming.”

Molly beams at them from the doorway. “Nico invited us.”

Nico nods, willing her smile not to seem distracted. “Support your local girl gang, right?” 

“Right,” Karolina agrees, after a slight pause.

As they rise from the bed, Nico tries her best to catch Karolina’s eye. It’s a futile effort, however, as her friend seems abruptly concerned with helping Molly get ready for the gala. Her sudden cheer seems forced; though it’s not wholly disingenuous, it isn’t quite real, either. The thought nags at her, but there isn’t really anything to be done about it now. Whatever her secret, Karolina clearly doesn’t seem inclined to share it in front of Gert and Molly. Could it be about Chase?

Tamping down her growing interest, she turns to Gert. “Want help getting ready?” 

“...Sure. Why not?”

**

Given recent events, she really shouldn’t be quite so surprised by how quickly and easily the people she loves can disappoint her. Between her father’s affair, her mother’s neglect, and the fact that both have apparently assisted murder numerous times, Nico feels like she’s learned her lessons well. The problem is that this is Alex - Alex, who has always been on her side. Alex, whom she’s liked for years. Alex, who brought the group together again all for Nico’s sake. 

The fact that he’s lied to her at all is a bitter pill to swallow. But when she understands that he’s kept the circumstances of her sister’s death a secret for over two years, it is almost more than she can bear. When he hadn’t come to the funeral, it had hurt her but she’d also understood. Grief, she knows, can be an isolating thing. She had pushed them all away herself, drowning in the belief that she had failed to notice something crucial about the person she loved most in the world. Yet not once in the time she’d spent alone had she ever wavered in the belief that Alex would always tell her the truth about the things that mattered.

And Amy? Amy would never stop being important.

Nico is angry, so angry her hands shake. But she is also so close to tears that Alex’s face keeps blurring, his features almost indiscernible under Timely’s dim lighting. All of his apologies ring hollow.

“Nico,” he says, with increasing desperation, “I made a promise. A promise to keep her secret, and then...Why drag that all up after she was dead?”

Something in her heart begins to harden, dry out, break off. She feels sick at the thought of kissing him.

**

Chase smashes the laptop and ruins everything. 

For several long, tense minutes, they stand there, the action festering between them. Then Alex stalks back to his car, wrenching the door open before slamming it shut. He doesn’t turn it on. Nico knows him well enough to know he’s stewing; she thinks about knocking on his window, thinks about ordering a Lyft and leaving without a word to anyone. She doesn’t move. She keeps looking at Chase and wondering if she would have done the same thing if one of her parents were injured. She’s furious, but not without sympathy.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, before turning on his heel and walking off into the dark. 

“Chase!” Gert shouts. When he doesn’t respond, she snaps, “You idiot.”

She staggers after him. Nico can barely see their silhouettes through the murk, two sentries standing in opposition just beyond the reach of the streetlight. Their voices trail, but she can’t quite catch what they’re saying. She decides she doesn’t care.

Turning, she begins to walk in the opposite direction. 

“Ah, Nico, wait,” Karolina says, catching her elbow. “Where are you going?”

“Home,” she responds, pulling her arm free. 

She hasn’t made it one step past Alex’s car before the door pops open, his head poking out. 

“Do you want a ride?” he asks. 

He’s seething. She can tell by his tone, by the twist of his mouth and the gleam in his brown eyes. Before tonight, she likely would have joined him, sitting in the passenger seat and taking his hand. She would have had the patience and inclination to listen. But she’s still angry, too.

“Not from you,” she says, dry and scathing. “I’m catching a Lyft.”

“Nico,” he says, sounding hurt. “It’d be safer-”

“I’ll come with you,” Karolina interjects. She jogs to catch up, sliding smoothly between Nico and Alex. She’s always been the peacemaker, the one who’d always seemed most affected by group spats in the years before Amy’s death. “I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

Nico doesn’t know if it’s a lie. She remembers the missed call, registered several hours ago. The concern in her voicemail. 

“Fine,” she says. Through the dark, she can see Alex swallow and withdraw, and feels a flicker of vicious satisfaction. “Let’s go, then.”

They sit together on the curb a few yards away, close enough that they don’t run the risk of coming across serious trouble. The distance helps, makes it feel like she’s not suffocating under all her anger. Conversely, it also makes it easier to allow herself to feel hurt, the jagged pang of Alex’s betrayal. She keeps her face devoid of expression, saying nothing, but feels it creeping. Beside her, Karolina waits silently, fingering the band of her bracelet as she looks up into the vastness of the sky.

When Nico checks her phone, the Lyft is still minutes away. She stuffs it back into her purse, then presses her palms against her eyelids, blotting out the light. There’s a catch in her throat the next time she inhales.

“Everything’s a mess,” she whispers, despite herself. 

Karolina shifts, brushing her shoulder against Nico’s, but doesn’t say anything at all. Her presence is comforting, reminiscent of nights spent lounging on Nico’s bed, of staying up late and whispering, just the two of them - everyone else asleep. When Nico lets her hands drop, she finds Karolina gazing at her with warmth and sympathy. It makes her ache with longing for a time when things were normal.

“Sorry,” Nico says, as she tries to ignore the sting in her eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Karolina drifts closer, one hand coming to rest lightly on Nico’s upper back. Her touch is tender; her gaze affectionate. She’s so kind that Nico can barely look at her.

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Karolina assures her. “Things are...kind of crazy right now. It’s okay to be stressed, to be sad. And I’m not- I’m not condoning what Chase did, but his dad is in really, really bad shape-”

“Yeah, I get it,” Nico says lowly. “But he still shouldn’t have made that choice for the rest of us.”

“I agree, and this doesn’t excuse what he did, but Alex wasn’t really listening-”

Nico shrugs her off. She stands, flaring hot, feeling like she’s about to boil over. “Can we please not talk about Alex right now?” 

Karolina is quiet for several moments, long enough for Nico to settle, arms wrapped around herself in the cool night air. A car drives past them, bathing them in light before leaving them to wallow in the dark. Nico lets her head hang forward, her eyes closed as she takes a breath that feels too big for her chest. She thinks of Alex’s face, of his apologies, of the way he’d said, “Come on, Nico, it’s not like you’ve never made a mistake.” She thinks about the way he’d kissed her on the steps to her house, the self-confidence in his smile. She’d felt so giddy at the time.

She thinks of Amy and wants to throw something, to slam a door, to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Karolina whispers. “I didn’t mean to upset you even more.”

Nico clears her throat, wiping hurriedly at her eyes. 

“No, I’m sorry,” she replies. She hopes Karolina can’t hear the quaver in her voice. “Today was just...a lot to handle. But...I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

There’s the crunch of gravel, and then Karolina is standing in front of her, peering cautiously into her eyes. 

“Nico…” she says slowly. “What happened today?”

Nico wants, abruptly, to tell her everything. She wants Karolina to know every horrible detail about the circumstances of Amy’s death, how she’d hacked into Wizard servers, how Nico’s mother had known and lied for years and still been able to look Nico in the eyes. She wants to tell Karolina how she’d cried herself to sleep for months and months and months, unable to get over the guilt of not having known, of not having seen, of not having done anything to stop it. For two years she had blamed herself, had hated waking up, without any clue, without any idea. And for two years, Alex had looked at her, sending her glances, periodically attempting to talk to her without ever once considering telling her the truth. Would he ever have, if she hadn’t pushed it out of him?

Nico wants to tell her everything.

“Not tonight,” she says instead, voice thin. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight.”

Karolina nods, her eyes dark in the poor light. Her expression is uncharacteristically difficult to read. Then she steps closer, her arms extended, stopping one hesitant foot away. 

“Hug?” she asks, very seriously.

Nico falls into the fold of her embrace. She presses her face against the fabric of Karolina’s jacket, her hands clutching at its back.

“Only because you look like you need one,” she mumbles.

Her eyes water; she blinks furiously, unwilling to let another tear fall. If Karolina can feel her trembling, she doesn’t mention it. Her cheek presses against Nico’s temple, a comfortable, welcome weight. When Karolina’s phone vibrates, they both feel it, pressed between them in her jacket pocket. They ignore it, standing together in the dark, the silence broken only by the sounds of distant cars. 

**

Nico isn’t sure how they got here.

One minute she’s sniping at Alex from the backseat of Gert’s car, and the next Karolina’s hands are cupping her face, her fingers sliding so gently through Nico’s hair that every breath feels suddenly electric, her lungs alight with possibility. Her mind races, yet she says nothing. Surprise has robbed her of her voice, but it is curiosity that leaves her motionless. The first press of Karolina’s lips is soft, expected and not, her trajectory as projected and gradual as the rising of the tides. Before she knows it, her eyes have slipped shut.

Nico pulls away. She feels unsteady, the hallway hazy as she gazes at Karolina’s nervous, hopeful face through the dim light. It’s impossible to think. Curiosity has swallowed her whole, bolstered by a growing warmth and the spreading tingle of anticipation. She’s known Karolina for such a long time, is intimately familiar with the press of her palms, with the blueness of her eyes, with the tender patience of her friendship. None of these things stops her from growing breathless, transfixed by the sweetness of her expression. It is the first time she has ever noticed that the shape of a girl’s mouth can be as appealing as the curve of a boy’s grin.

She moves as though through water, the world muffled as she takes Karolina’s lower lip between her own. She is so, enticingly soft, pressing closer in a way that makes Nico grow more conscious of her own body. She is present and aware of her own physicality, of where her hands are and of how much she wants this now that she knows it’s a possibility. Karolina kisses her like she likes her, like she knows her, and it makes Nico feel like her heart is going to outrun her chest. 

She takes a shaky breath, blinking rapidly as she pulls away. 

“Whoa,” she whispers. 

Karolina backs off immediately, her smile tentative but hopeful. 

“Sorry,” she says, voice sincere, even a little sheepish. Her touch is tender as she tucks a lock of hair behind Nico’s ear. “I’ve just wanted to do that for a really long time, and after tonight, I didn’t know if I’d get the chance.”

All Nico can think is that Karolina’s sense of clarity is enviable. The closeness makes it hard to think objectively; it is heady, in the way that discoveries can be. She can barely begin to discern what’s come awake inside her, the being that strains to respond to Karolina. She doesn’t know what it means, or even what she would like it to mean. There isn’t time for this, she knows that; they should be in the car, planning what comes next. As a group. With Alex. The Alex who still thinks he has a shot, who likes her, whom she could forgive...given enough time. The Alex she still likes, despite the fact that he betrayed her.

When Chase and Gert round the corner, looking as disheveled as Nico feels, the air spoils and becomes awkward. Karolina’s mouth moves uncertainly for one long moment before she finally accedes. The very sound of her voice makes Nico flush, so she turns, walking hurriedly in the direction of the exit. She impulsively licks her lips and nearly trips as she recognizes the taste of Karolina’s lip gloss. With a jolt of heat, she remembers the softness of her mouth, the sensation of curiosity blooming into something more alive. Something like...like desire.

Later, as they slide into the backseat with Chase pressed firmly between them, Nico tries not to think about Karolina. The situation, after all, is dire; she should focus on the things that matter. Alex catches her eye in the rearview mirror and her heart stutters, guilt roiling in her stomach. It slithers, dark and oily, before she smashes it under the weight of deeply entrenched anger. There is no reason to feel guilty; not for the kiss or for liking it. Whatever their relationship was before, it is now irrelevant. Saving Los Angeles, and stopping their parents, needs to be her priority.

And it is, for all of an hour, until Karolina lets herself be captured to grant the rest of them enough time to escape.

**

They’re in the thrift shop, looking for as many items of inexpensive clothing as they can reasonably carry. They have nowhere to store them, really; at least not yet. But Nico knows there might not be enough time to come back after they rescue Karolina, and it’s best to be prepared for any eventuality. She’s trying not to think about what this means, about how long they’ll be gone and how they can never come back, but the previous night keeps flashing in her mind. She remembers how the staff was torn from her mother’s hands so easily despite her mastery over it. The genuine fear in her parents’ expressions.

Helplessly, she also thinks of Karolina. She relives the moment, the experience of being forced away, of looking back over her shoulder. Her legs heavy. Stumbling. But Karolina had stopped looking for her, had stopped gazing in her direction. Instead she faced Jonah, both of them framed precariously against the light.

The memory sends a lick of terror through her, leaves her cold. Nico clenches her fist around a shirt to hide the trembling of her fingers. She remembers the blast, how it rocked everything, almost knocking her off her feet. The car fried, their phones dead, and Karolina gone, her body out of sight. But she must be alive; she has to be. Nico can’t stand the thought of breathing through another loss.

"Nico?”

Her head snaps up at the sound. She finds Molly standing at the end of the row, staring at her through white, flowery sunglasses. 

“Oh, hey,” Nico says. She swallows past the knot in her throat, hurriedly tossing the shirt she’d been strangling back into the bin. “What’s up, Molly?”

“Not much,” Molly says, drifting closer. “You were just looking at that shirt for a really long time. Are you okay?”

“Yep, I’m...I’m good,” she responds. “I was just trying to picture how some of these things would look. On Gert, and Alex, and…”

Molly smiles at her encouragingly. 

“I think that shirt would look good on Karolina. The yellow one.”

“Uh,” Nico says. Hands stiff, she begins to sift through the bin, fumbling as she tries not to drop what she’s already carrying. “Which one?” 

Molly darts up beside her and neatly picks out a yellow sleeveless with a design on the front: two blue stars, one inside the other. “This one.”

“Ah.”

“I saw you looking at it earlier. I think she’ll really like it, when she’s back.”

She finds it difficult to speak, but Molly seems to understand her anyway. She hugs Nico one-armed around the waist, then twirls away, finger gunning her way around the corner. Nico smiles, small and tired. She adds the yellow shirt to the top of her pile, tracing her fingers across the shape of a star. It’s a good motif, she thinks, for a girl who can glow and supposedly fly. She decides to spend the rest of their time picking out items for Karolina, basic things that will be useful, but that she still might like. 

By the time she runs into Chase again, she’s got a whole bag for Karolina, enough to tide her over for a couple of days. The sight of him, however, dampens Nico’s mood. He’d been the first to volunteer to infiltrate the church of Gibborim, intent on conducting the rescue as though to make up for his previous reluctance. At the time, she’d felt satisfaction, reassured that things were in motion. Seeing him now, all she feels is guilt.

It nags at her as she searches the racks nearest to him for an easy way to engage him in conversation. Her hands come up empty.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says, sounding terse. 

Chase looks up, bewildered. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeats. “For what I said earlier.”

She continues sorting through the racks, studiously ignoring Chase’s look of surprise and disbelief. It’s almost a little insulting how shocked he looks, as though she’s never recited an apology, ever, in her entire life.

“Uh,” he says, eloquently. “For what, in particular?”

She sighs as she slams a hanger back in place. “You know what.”

When she doesn’t move, he sidles closer, peering at her uncertainly. The jacket she’d picked out looks good on him, even though it hangs somewhat loosely on his frame.

“No,” he says. “I’m not sure I do.”

She forces herself to look him in the eyes.

“We wouldn’t leave you,” she tells him. “And I’m sorry that I said we would. I didn’t mean it.”

Understanding dawns across his face. He immediately smirks, looking unbearably smug as he crosses his arms over his chest. She rolls her eyes and gets back to work, plucking another shirt from the rack at random. 

“Shut up,” she warns him.

He chuckles good-naturedly. 

“It’s too late,” he says. “Now that I know you care, I’ll never let you forget it.”

“Chase.”

“Did you feel really bad? I bet you felt really bad.”

“Okay, I take it back,” she says, without any real heat. “We would leave you behind in a heartbeat. Even Gert.”

“Okay,” he relents. “But seriously, Nico, I never thought you meant it. I don’t think anyone did. You were just stressed.”

She sighs again, more deeply this time, thumbing the shirt Molly had helped her pick out for Karolina.

“I’m still sorry,” she admits. “I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re expendable. We’re in this together; that’s the only way we’re gonna survive this. It just…” She feels the heat of old anger, rolling in the pit of her stomach, before she pushes it away. “...It made me so angry, when…”

She looks up to find that Chase looks ashamed.

“Yeah,” he says. “I get it.”

“And it’s not just because it’s Karolina,” she insists. “It’s because she’s one of us. She’s one of us, and we’re a family.” Her voice cracks, peters out. She takes a breath, then straightens like her spine is made of steel. “We don’t leave anyone behind. Ever. No matter what.”

“Okay,” he agrees. His hand is gentle on her shoulder. “So let’s go get her back.”

**

Karolina is pale, head hanging low as she sits near the back of the van. After being assailed by a barrage of frantic questions and offering a stream of reassurances, she had steadily begun to wilt, looking sweaty and exhausted despite her best efforts to hide it. Nico can’t stop watching her, can’t stop tracing the shape of her face with an overpowering feeling of relief. Karolina’s skin is unmarred. She doesn’t look hurt, only tired and unshowered, like she’s just emerged from an extended period of sickness. 

The drive isn’t long, but Karolina’s eyes keep slipping shut. Eventually her body tilts, slides sideways until she’s reclined awkwardly against Gert’s shoulder. Only a few moments pass before she starts awake, righting herself with a jerk. Nico tries not to smile, but it’s impossible not to. She’s so, so relieved.

“Sorry,” Karolina mumbles, blinking rapidly as the van sways around a corner. 

“It’s okay,” Gert responds. She peers at Karolina with the sort of concern she usually reserves for Molly. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes,” Karolina says, with a wan smile. “I’m just tired.”

“Don’t worry; we’ll be there soon.” Turning to the front, Gert loudly asks, “We’ll be there soon, right?”

“Less than ten minutes,” Alex promises.

“It would be even less if you considered following my directions,” Chase retorts.

“For the last time, Chase, we’re trying to avoid attention.”

“Are we gonna run the red light?” Molly asks.

“Anyway,” Gert says, gripping the grooves on the floor as the van slows dramatically, “ignoring how unlikely it is that we’ve even made it this far, I’m pretty sure you’ll have time to sleep when we get there. We managed to get our hands on some food, too...though it hasn’t been refrigerated...and we don’t have a stove…but I’m sure some of it is still good.”

“At least we have blankets,” Nico supplies. Back pressed firmly against the opposite side of the van, she smiles sarcastically as she flashes both of them a double thumbs up. “Gotta look on the bright side, right?”

Looking fond and simultaneously queasy, Karolina nods. “Sounds good.”

The drive eventually comes to an end. They trudge out of the car, Nico shoving the rear doors open almost as soon as Alex unlocks them. Adrenaline has left most of them jittery, uncomfortable with the prospect of sitting still. Their stuff remains where they stashed it, lumped together and sloppily hidden at the base of a tree. Nico strides towards it, picking up and shaking out a blanket. They’re going to need thicker ones before long, not to mention more of them, but for now the ones they have will have to do.

When she returns to the van, toting several linens and a bag of clothes, she finds that most of the group has already dispersed. Chase and Molly have opted to go out looking for firewood “just in case,” and Alex has left to survey the area, intent on making sure that no one will find them - at least for the night. Only Gert and Karolina have stayed by the van, their voices growing louder by the second.

“What’s going on?” Nico asks, thoroughly perplexed. “I left for one minute.”

“Oh, good, you’re back” Gert says, when Nico draws to a halt beside them. “Maybe you can do a better job of convincing her to sit still.”

Karolina sighs, a hint of frustration seeping through. “I’m not dying, Gert. I’m just tired. I can at least help you carry a few things back to the van.”

“No offense, Karolina, because knowing you, you’d look beautiful even with a paper bag over your face, but you look like shit right now,” Gert says. 

“Um,” Karolina says, bewildered. “Thanks…?”

“There are five of us,” Gert continues, as though Karolina had never spoken. “We can handle a few shopping bags. You were actually on the verge of sleeping on my shoulder like fifteen minutes ago.”

“It’s true,” Nico says, with a pointed glance. “We all saw it.”

Karolina flushes, the first sign of color in her cheeks since they’d rescued her. “Okay, but…”

Gert gently pushes her back, forcing Karolina to sit on the very edge of the van.

“Just rest,” she tells Karolina. Turning to Nico, she adds, “I’m going to see if I can find her some food. I don’t think she’s eaten since before the dance.”

“Good idea,” Nico says. “By the way, I think Chase has a few water bottles left in his backpack.”

“Perfect,” Gert replies, as she begins to walk away. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we borrowed one and then never gave it back.”

Nico watches her go with a rueful shake of her head. When she turns back, she finds Karolina gazing at her as though she’s attempting to puzzle through a particularly difficult math problem. Nico’s stomach flutters, a feeling she ignores as she begins to stack the things she’s carrying in the empty space beside Karolina. She stretches one of the blankets out across the back of the van, but it’s a little difficult to achieve maximum coverage without climbing inside. Sighing, she holds one of the corners out to Karolina. 

“Here,” she says. “You can help by spreading this out as much as possible.”

Karolina takes the end without question. She tucks her legs, twisting around so that she’s on her knees, facing the front seats. Her shift rides up high across her thighs as she works to spread the blanket and Nico glances away, her face growing hot. It’s not as though it’s news that Karolina is beautiful; she’s known and noticed it since they were kids, talking big talk about first crushes and whose lips were the most kissable. But this is the first time she’s looked at Karolina with firsthand knowledge of what it’s like to kiss her. To be kissed by her. It’s the first time she’s known that Karolina thinks her own lips are kissable - the first time she’s known that Karolina has thought about kissing her for a long time. 

Nico tries not to wonder how long. She bites her lower lip. 

“Done,” Karolina announces. She twists so that she can sit by the open doors, her face still pale and sweaty. She somehow remains incredibly appealing. “Pass me the next one?”

Nico does. 

**

“I kissed Karolina,” she admits into the cool night air.

It is difficult to watch Alex’s face as he registers the exact meaning of her words. Shock cracks his facade, before hurt shatters it completely. He shakes his head very slightly, his hand jerking up to adjust his glasses. His mouth opens, twists like he wants to speak, then clicks shut. Nico forces herself not to look away. Her mouth is so dry that it is hard to swallow, and a knot has taken residence in her throat.

“Oh,” Alex says. His voice is steady as he asks, “Do you like her?”

“Yes,” Nico says. She flushes, tries not to think about how it felt to wrap an arm around Karolina, to hold her close and be reassured by the rhythm of her breathing. “I mean, I think so.”

“Ah,” he intones. He pushes up his glasses again, looking down at his shoes. “Does that mean…? Are you…?”

Nico exhales roughly, pushing her bangs out of her eyes. She had expected these questions, but it’s difficult not to feel defensive. A part of her is still angry, a feeling that’s only exacerbated by disappointment. Another still aches when she looks at him, plagued by what might have been, by the memory of what was. But the rest of her...

“I don’t know,” she says. “I didn’t prepare a label.”

Her tone is more acerbic than she intends. She doesn’t know how to take it back, or even if she wants to. 

After a few moments, Alex murmurs, “That’s not how I meant it.”

“I know,” Nico says hoarsely. The quiet between them lingers, perforated only by the occasional chirping of crickets. Finally, she tries again. “I don’t know what this means yet. If it’s just Karolina, or if...but I guess it doesn’t matter, does it? It still makes me...not straight.”

Alex bobs his head slowly. “...and you’re feeling okay about it?”

“Yeah,” she replies. She sighs, leaning back on her hands to look up at the stars. Only the brightest wink back at her through the polluted sky. “At least, I think I am. It’s a little new, but I’m not scared or...or ashamed, or anything like that. Just...surprised.”

“I’m glad,” he says. He seems sincere, even as he continues to avoid her gaze. “You should never be ashamed of who you are, Nico. You’re...great.”

When he looks back at her, his face is carefully neutral, but Nico knows him well enough, has gazed at him enough times to be more than familiar with his body language. She recognizes the tenseness of his shoulders, understands what it means. A part of her - the part that had liked him so much, for so long - hurts to look at him. 

“Thanks, Alex,” she says quietly. 

“It’s true,” he says, then looks away. A few minutes pass in silence, before he ventures, “So...was she...receptive?”

Nico takes a breath, holds it for several seconds before releasing it.

“If you were Chase, I’d punch you,” she tells him. “But since you’re not Chase, and I think I know what you mean, I’m gonna let it slide.”

His head snaps up.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex says. He sounds flustered and embarrassed, dragging the words out like they hurt him. Maybe they do. “That was a poor choice of words. I was just...trying to see if I still had a chance.”

The statement leaves her breathless, her heart barbed with grief and anger. Something vicious curls within her, poised to strike. She tries to stifle it, but it spreads through her chest like poison. 

“I want my friend back,” she admits, and Alex flinches. “I miss him a lot. And maybe someday I’ll forgive him for lying to me about something so big, but right now...nothing’s the same. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with kissing him again because every time I think about doing it, I remember Amy...and all I feel is disgust. And that really sucks because…for a moment there, I really, really liked him. I liked him for a long time.”

Alex seems to cave in on himself, hunching, his face hidden in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry, Nico,” he says, voice taut. Ragged. “You have no idea how sorry I am.”

“I know,” she replies. She wipes at her eyes with her sleeves, the motions agitated and impatient. “But I’m still angry.”

She stands, begins to walk away, but stops short after a few steps. She turns to look at him.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” she says. When he glances at her, she quickly adds, “Not about- not about Karolina, or about being angry. But I’m sorry that we’re stuck here, that it’s constantly...in your face.”

“That’s…not your fault,” Alex says. Now that she’s further away, it’s difficult to make out his expression. “You deserve to be happy, Nico.”

She can’t bring herself to say thank you.

**

Karolina laughs bashfully, her hair golden in the light of the setting sun. They’re twenty miles south of Brentwood, still in the middle of coming up with a plan to stop their parents, to stall for time. Nico feels reckless as they sit with their legs dangling from the back of the van, careless for feeling happy in the middle of what can only be called a complete and utter shitshow. They still don’t have her staff, they’ve almost been caught six times, and she hasn’t shaved her legs in weeks. It subsequently seems irresponsible to spend this much time distracted by Karolina.

“Actually,” Nico says, as she continues to peel the orange in her left hand, “a lot of my childhood makes a lot more sense now that I have this information.”

“Like what?” Karolina asks. 

She sucks carefully at her own orange, which has long since been split down the middle and divested of its peel. Nico watches her lick her lips and strongly considers kissing her. 

“Well, in retrospect,” Nico says, “I was always weirdly invested in how pretty other girls are. And not in a jealous, ‘Oh, why aren’t I as pretty?’ kind of way. Though...I guess there was a little bit of that, too.”

Karolina bites her lower lip. She seems to deliberate for a moment, before breaking out into a small smile. 

“I think you’re the prettiest girl I know,” she says, so earnestly that it makes Nico’s heart swell with adoration.

Her face growing hot, she returns her attention to slicing her own orange in half.

“You’re just saying that because you like me,” she mumbles, and immediately freezes.

It feels like she’s broken an unspoken rule by voicing this assumption. For all their candor about other subjects, they haven’t actually taken the time to sit down and discuss, or even define, their feelings. Nico nearly jumps when Karolina gently drapes a hand over her knee. 

“I do like you,” Karolina admits. Her voice is thick, quavers like she’s nervous. “I like you a lot, Nico. But that’s not the only reason I’d say that.”

This time, Nico deliberately sets her orange aside. She twists, rising to her knees so that she can properly kiss Karolina. Her mouth is sticky, citrus sweet. Nico loves her, as a friend, as something different - it is multifaceted and encompassing and simultaneous. When she pulls away, Karolina is beaming, her blue eyes bright with exhilaration. Nico can’t help but smile. 

“I like you, too,” she confesses. “A lot.”

At her words, Karolina blushes, drops her gaze. Her mouth curls into a pleased, disbelieving little grin.

“I never thought I’d hear you say that,” she says.

Nico draws closer, settles so that her thigh presses against Karolina’s. The warmth is soothing, makes her feel brave. “How long have you known?”

“Oh,” Karolina says. “That I liked you? Or that I’m...you know…”

“Both,” Nico replies. “If that’s okay.”

Karolina sets her own orange aside. She looks thoughtful for a moment, before admitting, “I’ve liked you for years. At least since we were thirteen. But the second question is a little harder to answer.”

“You don’t have to,” Nico says. 

“No, I think…” Karolina hesitates, her shoulders hunching. “I want to…sorry, I just...for all the thinking I’ve done, I’ve never actually said any of these words out loud.”

Nico takes her hand and holds it gently between her own. 

“It’s okay,” she says quietly. “You don’t have to say anything, if you’re not ready.”

Karolina’s smile is grateful, sweet. Nico feels it like she’d probably feel a punch to the chest. She wants, very badly, to kiss her again.

“I think I’m a lesbian,” Karolina says, her fingers curling around Nico’s. “I’ve always...I think I’ve always known, or at least suspected, and...when Chase kissed me, I didn’t feel anything. Like, at all.”

“To be fair,” Nico says, “if Chase kissed me, I also wouldn’t feel anything. It’s a miracle that anyone wants to kiss him in the first place.”

Karolina laughs with the same mixture of delighted embarrassment that Nico has so quickly grown fond of. 

“Nico,” she says, with no small measure of amusement. “That’s really mean.”

“I’m just kidding,” Nico responds; she tries to restrain the pleasure she feels at having made Karolina laugh. Even if it was at Chase’s expense. “Well, about the second part. I’d punch him if he tried to kiss me.”

“I think he’s afraid of you, so I doubt he’d ever try,” Karolina says.

“Good,” Nico says. “Though, now that we’re on the subject, I should probably let you know that I actually thought you might like Chase, for all of five seconds.”

“What? Are you serious?”

Chagrinned, Nico admits, “Yeah, before the gala. I was...confused.”

Karolina snorts. “Clearly.”

“Oh, give me a break,” Nico says, with a light shove. “You were being all vague about wanting to be honest about who you liked, and I thought maybe you were talking about Chase because you knew Gert likes him-”

“Little did you know,” Karolina replies, with laughter in her voice, “all I wanted was to kiss you. I thought I was being so obvious, too.”

“It wasn’t obvious,” Nico insists. “You were - you were really ambiguous.”

“The first thing out of Gert’s mouth when we got to the party was, ‘Hey, are you kind of into Nico because I thought there was a vibe-’”

“What vibe?” Nico exclaims, her face burning with embarrassment. “She’s making that shit up.”

“Or maybe,” Karolina teases, “you’re just not as observant as you think you are.”

She smiles at Nico, her expression open and carefree as she threads their fingers together. Nico feels reckless, irresponsible, and so, inadvisably happy as she kisses her. It’s nice, better than nice, though it doesn’t make their problems disappear. They’re still running out of money, the van remains cramped, and their pace is unsustainable. The whole of California might just fall into the ocean if they don’t do something, and Nico doesn’t want to think about what could happen to them if they get caught. The pressure on their shoulders is oppressive and relentless.

So their problems don’t just disappear. But, gradually, Karolina makes things easier to bear.

**Author's Note:**

> I have about a million story ideas for these two, so come chat with me on Tumblr if you're interested. Almost a full month later, and I'm still ecstatic that they've confirmed that Nico is bisexual. This was over a decade in the making. I waited over ten years for this shit.
> 
> If you liked or disliked this, please feel free to drop a comment; I would really, really appreciate constructive criticism.


End file.
